Earlier this week, my grandmother had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital. The stroke was the largest stroke she has had to date. At the time, she was entirely paralyzed and could not speak. Fortunately, she is able to speak coherently and move around. Oddly enough, her mental faculties seem to be slightly improved compared to how she was before the stroke. Fortunately, she lives in a wonderful assisted living facility and can get help for any problems she might have because of the stroke. She actually went home this evening and seems to be in good spirits. I am just glad that she is all right.

I am having some knee problems that I have ignored for far too long. It appears that I may have a meniscus injury. Not surprisingly, it is most likely from doing cardio kickboxing. I had stopped for a while and had started swimming instead but the pain has not receded. I definitely noticed it when Brian and I went to Akaka Falls this past weekend. I knew when I felt pain on such a short and ridiculously easy hike that I could no longer pretend like nothing was wrong especially since I have not been able to straighten my right leg for a long time. I will be going to the doctor soon to see what can be done.

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It really is quite amazing how some people react to taking medication. My grandmother called this morning to say she was out of medication and needed me to come and refill her medication containers. She was not actually out of medication she simply did not know what day it was. Nonetheless, I arrived with medication to refill the other days and she took her morning dosage. She puts the pills in her mouth and swallows them. Before the pills even made it into her stomach she declares that the medication has already made her feel “much better.” It is unclear to me how an aspirin could make her feel better, especially when the aspirin is for children. Actually, it is rather clear, she is nuts and obviously has some kind of psychological dependence upon all her medication. Of course, this is the same woman that took a very toxic drug for years and never told her doctor about the side effects because “the doctor knows what is best for me.” Disturbing.

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My grandmother asked me today to find a recipe for Waldorf salad. My first thought was of Fawlty Towers… Nonetheless, I told her that I would give her a recipe for Waldorf salad and I asked when she needed it. She said immediately because she wished to make it right away for the family reunion that is not taking place until August. She then asked if I would be attending with the entire family and partaking in the party and festivities the night before the reunion. I explained that I will be out of town during that time and will be unable to come. She started to cry and told me that everyone would miss me. Who in the family would miss me? She probably does not understand and most likely thinks that I am moving to Botswana to be a pirate, a single pirate, no less. I think her life revolves around the family reunion and around me not being married…

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My maternal grandmother slipped into a coma yesterday and passed away…

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Today I took my paternal grandmother shopping for a new entertainment armoire. That was certainly rather interesting, humorous, and annoying. She only has a small corner to put the armoire in so we went to a custom furniture store to see about having one built to fit the space. She decides that she wants a full-length entertainment center that is about fifteen feet long and is made for a widescreen television. I said no because it would not fit in the space. She told me that she could do whatever she wanted to do. I told her she would have to move to find a space to put that entertainment center. She pitched a little hissy fit and then she finally looked at the armoires I wanted her to look at. She decided on one, they were writing up the estimate, and we were getting ready to pay when she declares that she wants to see it in person. It is a custom piece; you cannot see it before you buy it! I explained this to her a myriad of times. She says she did not want it then. I tell her that she cannot have ANY entertainment armoire unless she purchases a custom one from the place we were at currently. My parents have always used this place and they are quite good so no reason existed to go elsewhere. She starts walking out of the store while I am trying to get the quote and then she runs right into a china cabinet. She then claims that someone in the store hit her. She is insane. She then reminded me for the tenth time (literally) that she desired to get money out of the bank. I explained for the millionth time that I had her ATM card and we would get money at the grocery store. When we were at the grocery store, she hit two people with the cart as well as a number of store displays. We ate lunch after that and she could not decide what she wanted so I had to order for her. Then she spilled it all over herself. Then in the car, she was shaking her apartment keys and the to-go cup from lunch that was filled with ice. I thought I was going to go insane. I endured it and dropped her off. Unfortunately, she has a dentist appointment tomorrow that she does not need to go to and is only going because she is crazy. I believe I am finished ranting for the day…

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Day 5000 of cleaning out my grandmother’s apartment-I cleaned out the refrigerator today only to find vegetables that were only in existence during prehistoric times and mold on cheese that formed new breeds of cheese. I also found ham from 2002, corndogs, and ground beef from who knows when. Fortunately, I did not find any sex-related objects so that was positive… She slept most of the day and acted rather crazy but this is not unusual. I ended up filling 23 bags with garbage, which is down from the usual number of 50 (or more). The absolute worst part of the day was when she handed me a knife and cut my hand! Yay for more injuries to my body! Currently, I am recovering from the following injuries that she has inflicted on me: injured Achilles tendon, knife wound on hand, cactus injury on arm, and a bruised foot. I wonder what injuries I will acquire next time! I will be putting up the rose garden bench for her so the possible injuries seem to be limitless!

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I am slightly cranky today. I almost lost my temper today as well. While grocery shopping with my grandmother she rammed the grocery cart into my Achilles tendon. The first two times were not terribly painful but the third time was *extremely* painful. My grandmother thought it was a serious injury and she asked if I needed to go see a surgeon. Of course, I declined her offer. Yet, she continued to ask people in line behind us if they knew the name of a good surgeon. We then had to proceed to Home Depot to procure a garden bench for the rose garden. She did not like any of the benches that they had so we then had to proceed to Lowes. She finally settled on a bench at Lowes and I was able to get the giant box that weighed 100 pounds into the cart. Her pulling the cart out from under me twice hindered my effort. I was *very* annoyed at that point. Nonetheless, several Lowes employees asked if they could help and take it out to my car. I refused, as I had no desire to make idle small talk for ten minutes. I was finally able to put the bench in the Cadillac, however, she pulled the cart out from under the bench, but this time it fell on my foot! That really did feel quite good! Tomorrow shall be even more fun as I get to clean out her refrigerator and pantry! Yay! Fun times! It is *always* something with her…

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I took my grandmother to the dentist again today for yet another teeth-whitening excursion. Her vanity overwhelms me. Nonetheless, I also had to clean out her dressers and closet. That was fun. I am scarred for life now. I found several thongs, revealing nightgowns, a belly shirt, and a completely see-thru lace shirt. I will not mention the other items that I found mostly because I cannot bring myself to say them and I am in denial. This only frightens me more after I found that love leash and handcuffs several years ago… Apparently, the words “granny panties” mean nothing to her. In addition, I met her new “gentleman friend” that lives next door. He has a car so this is a big selling point to her. I did jokingly ask her if I should start calling him grandpa and she said no because they were just friends. I do not ever want to know if they are “special friends”… I believe they attended “Poker Night” this evening at the retirement home. She gave up “Knitting Hour” to go with him to an alcohol and gambling centered event. Cleaning up the clutter in her apartment took me many hours and it was all very boring and tedious work that I do not care to engage in for a very long time.

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My grandmother had a stroke on Saturday and we spent all day at the hospital. She is home now and doing quite well. I am rather surprised that they allowed her to come home so quickly but I suppose that they could not really do much for her. This week should be extra fun with finals and other thrilling responsibilities…

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Today, I spent the day with both of my grandmothers. This was quite fun. First, I picked up my crazy grandmother who informs me that she is happy to be leaving “this fenced in place.” Her retirement home is not fenced in at all. Nonetheless, she continued to talk about random bizarre things. She also kept rambling about having a stroke in her leg. This is a change from referring to her unconfirmed mild stroke as a “cerebral accident.” In addition, the stroke was obviously not in her leg… We then arrived at the hospice and my other grandmother was not happy to see my crazy grandmother. My crazy grandmother kept referring to her room as her new apartment and asked how many residents lived in the “assisted living facility.” My crazy grandmother absolutely does not understand that my other grandmother has cancer and is dying. She continues to ask if my grandmother is going into remission or if she is getting better. It was decided that we would go out to lunch given that my grandmother is sick of sitting around the hospice. After much debate, my grandmother decided that she wanted to eat at Burger King because she did not think she looked presentable enough to go to a regular restaurant. I think it had to do more with not desiring to sit that long with my other grandmother, which I cannot blame her for. My other grandmother complains that this is not a healthy choice. Of course, this did not stop her from eating a whopper and french fries. Then I had to listen to a lecture about how they could never be vegetarians because vegetarians do not eat healthy. Apparently, I am missing something. I had water and they had 500 grams of artery clogging fat. Anyway, we decided to go back to the hospice after that and walk around the sensory gardens. My grandmother insisted that she did not wish to ride in the wheelchair but rather wanted to continue walking using her walker. We walked around and went to see the Koi in the pond. Then my crazy grandmother kept asking if a baby alligator lived in the pond. Yeah, sure, an alligator lives on a hospice campus. The she tried to climb down a hill to procure (read: steal) some Irises in the water. Of course, this necessitated me chasing after her and dragging her back up the hill as she nearly fell in the water. Of course, this would not be the first time I have dragged her nor would it be the first time she has almost fallen in a large body of water. She frightens me… Then we had to walk across some sod, which was quite flat to get back to my grandmother’s room at the hospice. My grandmother was having some trouble pushing the walker so I was helping her. My crazy grandmother thought she should just push the walker out from under her and somehow this would help. Fortunately, I was able to hold her up and she did not fall when my crazy grandmother decided to do this. On one good note, my grandmother has gained weight since moving into the hospice. I believe this is the result of me bringing her milkshakes and chocolate éclairs all the time. This is not something I would normally do but when someone weighs 75 pounds they need all the fat they can possibly get. Certainly, I do not think cholesterol is something she should worry about given her situation and willingness to die. I am quite happy that she has gained so much weight though despite the fact that the cancer is taking so much out of her.

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Today, I spent the day with both of my grandmothers. This was quite fun. First, I picked up my crazy grandmother who informs me that she is happy to be leaving “this fenced in place.” Her retirement home is not fenced in at all. Nonetheless, she continued to talk about random bizarre things. She also kept rambling about having a stroke in her leg. This is a change from referring to her unconfirmed mild stroke as a “cerebral accident.” In addition, the stroke was obviously not in her leg… We then arrived at the hospice and my other grandmother was not happy to see my crazy grandmother. My crazy grandmother kept referring to her room as her new apartment and asked how many residents lived in the “assisted living facility.” My crazy grandmother absolutely does not understand that my other grandmother has cancer and is dying. She continues to ask if my grandmother is going into remission or if she is getting better. It was decided that we would go out to lunch given that my grandmother is sick of sitting around the hospice. After much debate, my grandmother decided that she wanted to eat at Burger King because she did not think she looked presentable enough to go to a regular restaurant. I think it had to do more with not desiring to sit that long with my other grandmother, which I cannot blame her for. My other grandmother complains that this is not a healthy choice. Of course, this did not stop her from eating a whopper and french fries. Then I had to listen to a lecture about how they could never be vegetarians because vegetarians do not eat healthy. Apparently, I am missing something. I had water and they had 500 grams of artery clogging fat. Anyway, we decided to go back to the hospice after that and walk around the sensory gardens. My grandmother insisted that she did not wish to ride in the wheelchair but rather wanted to continue walking using her walker. We walked around and went to see the Koi in the pond. Then my crazy grandmother kept asking if a baby alligator lived in the pond. Yeah, sure, an alligator lives on a hospice campus. The she tried to climb down a hill to procure (read: steal) some Irises in the water. Of course, this necessitated me chasing after her and dragging her back up the hill as she nearly fell in the water. Of course, this would not be the first time I have dragged her nor would it be the first time she has almost fallen in a large body of water. She frightens me… Then we had to walk across some sod, which was quite flat to get back to my grandmother’s room at the hospice. My grandmother was having some trouble pushing the walker so I was helping her. My crazy grandmother thought she should just push the walker out from under her and somehow this would help. Fortunately, I was able to hold her up and she did not fall when my crazy grandmother decided to do this. On one good note, my grandmother has gained weight since moving into the hospice. I believe this is the result of me bringing her milkshakes and chocolate éclairs all the time. This is not something I would normally do but when someone weighs 75 pounds they need all the fat they can possibly get. Certainly, I do not think cholesterol is something she should worry about given her situation and willingness to die. I am quite happy that she has gained so much weight though despite the fact that the cancer is taking so much out of her.

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I am really quite irritated. I spent a large portion of yesterday organizing my grandmother’s apartment at the retirement home. Today, I was supposed to continue cleaning up her shrine of anti-organization and clutter. I woke up at 5:30 AM so that I could take care of all my personal needs such as meditation, yoga, eating, etc. I called her to let her know that I was leaving the house at 8 AM and expected to arrive at 9 AM. I arrived at 8:45 AM and went up to her apartment. She barely opens the door and tells me that she is not interested in me organizing the closet today and she slams the door in my face! WHY did she not tell me that she did not want to do this today when I called her earlier?! This sort of behavior is annoying and unacceptable. I just arrived home, having wasted a large portion of my day driving in the car. Sometimes, she makes it very difficult for me to want to help her. Now, she will have to engage in copious amounts of ego stroking in order to get me to come over again because I am not putting up with her little games. Camus was correct in his assessment of life; it is indeed full of the absurd…

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I am really quite irritated. I spent a large portion of yesterday organizing my grandmother’s apartment at the retirement home. Today, I was supposed to continue cleaning up her shrine of anti-organization and clutter. I woke up at 5:30 AM so that I could take care of all my personal needs such as meditation, yoga, eating, etc. I called her to let her know that I was leaving the house at 8 AM and expected to arrive at 9 AM. I arrived at 8:45 AM and went up to her apartment. She barely opens the door and tells me that she is not interested in me organizing the closet today and she slams the door in my face! WHY did she not tell me that she did not want to do this today when I called her earlier?! This sort of behavior is annoying and unacceptable. I just arrived home, having wasted a large portion of my day driving in the car. Sometimes, she makes it very difficult for me to want to help her. Now, she will have to engage in copious amounts of ego stroking in order to get me to come over again because I am not putting up with her little games. Camus was correct in his assessment of life; it is indeed full of the absurd…

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Oh my. My grandmother just bought a cell phone. She has already called me four times. The insanity of it all…

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I am now home from the awards banquet. The small talk was plentiful as we had an hour for dinner before they even started giving out awards. Luckily, the mayor is a major extrovert; he spoke, and told jokes the whole time so no one else had to do much talking. The council members were extremely extroverted as well so they handled all the small talk. I only really held a conversation with one of the council member’s wives who was very quiet and was not trying to scream across the table or keep shaking my hand. I shook 47 people’s hands. They must all need votes… I then had to wash my hands many times to get people germs off.

The only bad extroverted issue was when I first sat down at the table and a woman whom I have never met comes up to me and says, “I have seen you before! I know your parents and your last name is Johnson, right?” I replied saying, “Yes it is.” Then she says, “Your first name escapes me.” Instead of asking my name, she practically fondles my breast for my nametag. She takes more time than I would have liked and finds it (like it was somehow difficult to find in the first place) and says my name. She could have just asked! The whole time I am mortified that someone I do not know has just touched me that I am not even able to muster any words. I sat in shock for a while that this woman practically fondled me in front of a room full of people. Apparently, it was quite a spectacle because several people were staring while this happened. I learned a lesson because of this. One should always wear their nametag FAR above the breast rather than on top of it.

On the brighter, less touchy feely side, my garden club won two awards for its service to the city. My grandmother also won an award for her continued service to the city and she was honored again by being mentioned as the city’s only Lifetime Member. They actually created the Lifetime Member status just for her which is a nice thing given her commitment to the city.

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